Since I've given Civil Service Paper, I've been sick.. I guess this started while giving that paper. Acute feeling of Emptiness attacked me.. Till then My Mind is full of Crap thoughts.. I know My Mind is not at peace for almost two-three years .. Fear, I'm in fear, I've been in fear continuously. One fear gone and new fear comes.. I guess, to remove old fear, I need new fear.. So feeling of Emptiness is also a kind of new fear.. Fear of Expectations, Comaprisons.. My mind is totally screwed up.. The More I'm writing here, the More I'm feeling relaxed.. I don't have that habit in me of sharing my pains to others.. Whenever I talk to others I talk positive and sharing other's pain.. Talking about my Pain, I feel like I won't explain them properly, will only make others confused. Now days, I feel like useless, I feel like I've lost midway.. I Feel I'm stuck somewhere, I feel like I've forgotten what I wanted to do.. I feel like all my previous decisions were wrong.. Though before CSP, I was into various fears but I was kind of busy.. Even whole May, I was into so many exams, that I was really occupied but since giving CSP, I felt what I'm gonna do, now... CSP result is gonna come out in August. but I'm feeling weird with myself.. I need some works to feel occupied... Last day, I felt so bad whole day, even in night, whenever I woke up in gaps, I started feeling tensed.. I always tell myself about various spritual fundas to feel better.. I constantly tell myself that I've a best & luxurious life, one could ever imagine, I have best parents and family.. my life has been excellent so far (with all kind of up and downs).. I've a cool bunch of friends and everyone in them are simply best.. I'm still 24 and My life is full of opportunities for various things, Just I need to look to them.. I'm younger son in my family so obviously pressure and expectation are much low on me... I've been given freedom to pursue any career. And on whatever position, my life is now, is just because of choices I made and I'm happy I made those choices... But Still those bad feelings arise from nowhere and My mind get the work to resist those feelings and I become sucked up... I feel like time is running out, I feel like I'm still sleeping. I'm feeling like I'm unable to fulfill social expectations on me to be accepted by society... All those preconcieved notions which were kinda of dormant in my mind earlier, now suddenly rose up and make me feel more bad and sick...
I know my condition is more mentally built up rather than reality.. I look to those people who face more severe problems, those who live life full of adversities.. I feel much calm but I again succmbed to those feelings... I need a big spiritual healing.. I'm literally feeling really bad and I know whatever I wrote here, explained my condition only 30%.. Mind and feelings, their conditions, cant be explained exactly in words... Sharing these feelings with parents is just impossible.. With Indians parents, you have one problem, that's communication gap.. Though They literally love you but still with friends you can be much more yourself in compare to parents... Still with me, situation is different, I dont share sad things even with friends.. I don't believe in sharing pains with other, I rather prefer positivity. I come with smiling face and happy mood in front of others.. but its not always happy in mind too.. :(!
